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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  January 20, 2014 11:00pm-11:32pm PST

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[glass shattering and low rumbling] [screaming]( scr captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com by comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. we have a good one tonight. awnlor marilynne roach. she has a new book on the salem witch trials and her search forel real killer. [laughter] billion we get started, if your -- before we get started,
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if your school is currently looking for a chemistry teacher, i want to you call us. [laughter] i got a guy here. boston university. he seems smart begun could have shaved. [laughter] chemistry major looking for a job teaching chemistry. i'm like how can you not get a job teaching chemistry. if you need a chemistry teacher contact us and i will finally get this (bleep) kid out of his parents' house. that's what i'm going to do. leave your name. that's what we're doing. [cheers and applause] yes, healing america! [laughter] nothing, huh? of course, even now in this country while we've mostly ruled out burning people like witches we still debate with what to do with our most suspicious citizens. thanks so old goody snowden here. we've learned something new about the earn surveillance
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state and the nsa. they said they weren't spying on americans. [ laughter ] they said they weren't abusing their power. [laughter] they said they weren't cutting holes in the girls shower house to see boobies but we know the truth. [ laughter ] well last friday it was finally time for president obama to address the issues at the nsa with a very difficult need toll thread. how toll acknowledge the american people's concerns about privacy while not upsetting people who apparently know everything about us. how to make substantial policy changing while also not really do that. how would he accomplish this delicate dance? >> at the dawn of our republic -- >> jon: oh, god. [laughter]
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all right. gonna be one of these. let's do it. >> at the dawn of our republic, a small secret surveillance committee borne out of the sons of liberty was established in boston. in the civil war union balloons, reconnaissance tracked the size of confederate armies. in world war ii code breakers gave us insights into japanese war plans. in president truman created the national security agency or nsa. [ laughter ] >> jon: i like it. i like it when you tickle. i like it when you tickle. [ laughter ] i wasn't sleeping through the president's new a&e special, the history of surveillance. i was just sitting here. [laughter] well, it's a great strategy. obama has a relatively impossible task so he thought
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rather than attempt it why not talk to long and boringly that people stop listening. it's the old -- though did he get to his point. the danger is real. >> we cannot unilaterally disarm our intelligence agencies thrches a reason why blackberries and iphones are not allowed in the white house situation room. >> jon: i know it's biden, isn't it? [laughter] won't stop interrupting everybody with his snap chatting. [ laughter ] he's got the -- [laughter] [cheers and applause] that's nice. i have found the level of the audience. [ laughter ] did nothing. got all these clever little thins worked out. you have to draw a couple diks on a picture. crowd goes nuts. so the danger of terror is real.
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we have to let the nsa do its job. >> in the 1960's government spied on civil rights leaders and critics of vietnam war. >> jon: the danger of government overreach is real. we have to stop the nsa from doing their job. we have us an old fashioned alien versus predator here. how do we stop this lousia bojesen? >> i believe we need a new approach which inn -- one in which they access the records without the government holding this -- >> jon: what? even the government trusts -- not even the government trusts the government without our private is information so our data will apparent i will be moved from a building like this to a building like this. [ laughter ] problem solved. [ laughter ] more protection, please. >> effective immediately, we
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will only pursue phonecalls that are two steps removed from a number associated with a terrorist organization instead of the current three. >> jon: so -- hmmmm, if you know a guy who knows a guy who knows a terrorist, you are. (bleep)ed. but if you know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a terrorist, pass the nachos. what if you call papa john's to order a pizza but it's the same papa john's that a terrorist also called to order pizza? therefore, you know a guy who knows a terrorist without knowing it? obviously i'm only using papa johns as an exam. i'm not saying terrorists would call papa john's. they are terrorists not monsters. [laughter] you know what would undermine this reform talk? if these changes contained any glaring loopholes. the database can be quearyed
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over after a finding or in the case of a true emergency. it will terminate within a fixed time unless the government demonstrates a real need for further secrecy. >> jon: basically the rule is we'll totally follow the rules until such a time where we determine we will no longer follow the rules but don't worry about it you won't hear it because we'll do it secretly. i'm being pessimistic. is this perfect? of course not. but at least the president was trying to earn back the trust of american people by demonstrating a seriousness of purpose. how do we move these reforms forward? >> i'm open to, woulding with congress to en-- working with congress to ensure we build a broad consensus of how to move forward. >> jon: so we're never doing it. [ laughter ] you are going to do this after we get a broad consensus in congress with you of how to move
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forward? well, that sounds great then perhaps we'll get well reasoned post game analysis from richard sherman. how about that? and then maybe after that -- [ applause ] -- we can all go out for unicorn burgers and leprechaun juice. the idea is this: the reforms are weak but don't worry they'll never take effect. >> an upside? >> one -- is there an upside? >> one thing i'm certain of this debate will make us stronger. >> jon: good which is why the person who started the debate must be hunted down and thrown in prison for life. this is how convoluted our position is on this issue. in a president's speech he praised vital 1970's reform and safeguards to the domestic spying programs. how did they come about. >> five bawrgries coming out of shadows to admit their part in an audacious breakin 40 years
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ago at the f.b.i. they exposed documents that exposed a spying -- >> jon: now they are praised in the president's speesm now we know long it takes before stealing u.s. secrets is considered patriotic. four years from now. >> i president praise edward
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>> jon: welcome back. [cheers and applause] we're less than two weeks away from the biggest sporting event of the year, super bowl xlviii. unfortunately past super bowls have been played by shortables of necessary super bowling material. >> looking head to the super bowl there are rumors -- >> ah. >> of a chicken wing shortage. >> dallas and surrounding areas have some sort of a stripper shortage. [ laughter ] >> jon: not funny. [laughter] of course this year the matchup is between the seattle sea hawks and the denver broncos two teams hailing from states that have both legalized marijuana that
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makes this year's shortage all the more tragic. >> a velveeta shortage raising big concerns ahead of super bowl. >> warning with a velveeta shortage which means cheese lovers will be watching nfl playoffs with just plain cheese. >> jon: nooooooooo! no develop streeta, -- no velveeta, what will i do without my milk based sodium phosphate? i'll have nothing to do dip my calcium hydroxide into. [ laughter ] i guess vile to dig into my strategic velveeta reserve, mount cheesemore. i like to start with roosevelt and work my wake up to lincoln. all right? something about this velveeta shortage feels a little -- what
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is the word i'm looking for (bleep). >> velveeta rep said demand is high during the playoffs but would not give a specific reason for the lack of availability. >> i've been in a dozen stores ted and only one i have found no velveeta. [laughter] >> jon: here is my impression of him in those stores. i went to columbia journalism school. yes i can do this. wait a minute, i know what you are saying that this isn't real. are you implying that the makers of velveeta would attempt to pass off as real some sort of blatantly artificial clearly unnatural synthetic creation? you, sir, clearly don't know velveeta. maybe our precious cheese like substance is safe but football fans shouldn't get too comfortable but a real and more devastating shortage is on the horizon. a fast spreading pig virus is about to cause bacon prices to
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sky rocket. >> jon: i think you are burying the lead here. are we supposed to be more concerned about baken prices going up or i believe the phrase you used was a fast spreading virus. understandably higher bacon prices could be a side effect of an up democratic -- of an ep dimmic loo that -- of an epidemic like that but so could ample parking. tell me. >> the diarrhea virus also known as pe, did is reported in 200 facilities. >> jon: i retract my request. could you be a little less specific. [laughter] diarrhea virus. we've all been there. [ laughter ] perhaps we should go back to what this is doing to our bacon stockpile. >> here goes your bacon cheeseburger, your pigs in a blanket and your cobb salad.
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[ laughter ] >> jon: you know pigs in a blanket are not actual pigs, right. you hear a story about a bacon shortage and you go with no more salads or bar mitzvah food that doesn't contain pork. whose pig luxury penthouse did you shoot your footage in. because from what i recall there's a little less elbow room and more excrement. it's (bleep) bacon. look at it. that's how they make it. it's not some pig in a giant lost. [ laughter playing shuffleboard and inviting over a spider that writes messages. [laughter] now maybe a bacon shortage isn't such a bad thing seeing as america is less of a thing sthan killing us.
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a bacon shortage which means type two diabetes rates could fall dramatically saving our live -- extending our lives and saving us billions in health care. why good? if there's one risk we're in the running is eating too little bacon. >> more bacon the better. >> bacon makes everything better. >> gotta be bacon only one thing smells like bacon it's bacon. >> jon: slow down, everybody with the bacon. are we already forgetting something? >> i have viral die rea. -- diarrhea. >> jon: that will do, pig. that will do. [chee be right back. [chee 7 rjrj,x,x
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applause]d >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight is an historian who has written several books with the salem witch trials. her latest is "six women of salem. pt the untold stories of the
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accused and their accusers in the salem witch trials." please welcome marilynne roach. how are you? >> fine, thank you. >> jon: thank you so much for being here. >> my pleasure. >> jon: the book is called "six women of salem." you know, what is so fascinating about this incident in american history is how long we have held it up as sort of an example of when paranoia and ignorance and a certain, you know fundamental fervor combine to create this type of disaster, neighbors turning on neighbors. >> yeah, it was unusual for the time. usually it was just one suspect at a time but this one snowbawled from the beginning. >> how prevalent was this idea of accusing someone of witchcraft and taking that to court to hang them or --? >> well, it was a due process. >> jon: innocent until proven a witch? >> yes, right.
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[ laughter ] well it happened every so often. it would -- they made you go to trial for it. you didn't just take the law into your own hands but some people were suspected for years and bridgeity bishop, -- one of six in the book was suspected and you don't hear about the case so she has that hanging over but she survived the first go around. the neighbors neighbors are stil suspicious. >> jon: one of servants confesses under dur yes, sir. >> she's one of first to be accused. she says she's not guilty when they -- she's at the hearing and the questioning. you can tell the magistrate that she's guilty and everything she says is taken as admission.
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she said she's not guilty and backs into a corner and says the witch is invisible to anyone else. >> jon: every time she would say that's not guilty they would say it's what a witch would say. and she would be in a corner. >> she were after me, too. they made me pinch the girls and finally she has sort of a fainting spell and can't talk. she agrees with anybody that they say might be a suspect. >> jon: in popular myth they were burned or had dunking. they put them in the water and if they flelted they were a witch -- floated they were a witch. in reality they were hung. >> there was the hearing, grand jury and trial jury and eferred and stuff. >> jon: you have the notes from these trials. >> a lot of it survived. it's one of the reasons it's
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remembered so well. a lot of it is in print now. >> jon: it's held up as such an example of paranoia. they apologize and came to their senses pretty quick. >> not quick enough for 19 or 20 of them. september was all of. there were eight people hanged and a lot of accusations. in october they drew back and reconsidered how they were going to this by accepting evidence which is reports of what the witches were doing, if that can be counterfeited by the devil they finally figured out though one of the accused mentioned it on the first day. >> jon: even if their illinois logic --illogic there was logic. >> yes. >> jon: it's bizarre. >> human nature. >> jon: you see it in our dealings today not to this
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extreme obviously but the same mechanics of it emotional. >> human nature. >> jon: yuf studied this a -- you've studied this a long time. do you still believe in people? where do you go on the spectrum? >> don: i believe in witches? >> >> do i believe in witches? >> jon: no, no. i guess my point is are you a witch? does it lessen your belief in people? >> i've always been a little cynical. well they did apologize and the massachusetts government tried to make amends later after people who survived and their families petitions they did clear the names of the people in the petition so that if you had a death sentence that was passed if you weren't hanged you didn't have to worry about it and they did reimburse the jail expenses. you had to pay room and board. >> jon: when you were in jail?
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>> doesn't grow on trees. shackles are extra. >> jon: if they accused you they would send you to jail and charge you saying they were the witches. all right. >> coming out of taxpayers pocket. >> jon: unbelievable. fascinating stuff and nice to see it laid out because the myths and reality come together. it's nicely done. thank you very much for being here. six women of salem on the marilyelves now. marily
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>> jon: that's our show. here it is your moment of zen. >> i actually. >> i want to say political character. can i just say this. >> then i need to talk. i don't get it and i doesn't look -- i'm not done. it's a part of her diar
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>> tonight new advances in cap follow punishment. when will they finally find a vaccine against lethal injection. then how to become a saint. you need a leper, a spare arm and hot glu gun and my guest journalist scott stossel says-- are winners, i don't know if i'm a winner which means i am. over 1.7 million towns of velveeta products recalled from kraft for mislabeled ingreddiants. they accidentally called it cheese. this is the colbert report.